BY DIANE WALTMAN
As I write these words, I am aware that for some people in the depths of severe depression, there is an appalling strength in the urge to self-destruct. It may be understandable to take one’s life in the face of such suffering as being rejected one’s whole life. There are some who are so “sick” with clinical depression that they are no longer rational and are out of touch with reality. Only God knows what is going on in their minds in the minutes and hours before they end their lives.
Losing my brother to suicide is definitely one of the worst things that has happened to me. I’m always asking myself, “Why did this happen?” I should have been nicer to him. Whether your best friend or spouse passes away after a long illness or you lose a battle buddy in combat, grieving is painful. There is no “right” way to respond to losing a friend or relative. It’s an extremely personal response that is unique to you and the nature of your loss, but in today’s busy world, it can sometimes be difficult to fully process your grief.
Chronic childhood trauma, such as prolonged abuse or family violence, can severely disrupt a person’s development, basic sense of self, attachment security, and later relationships. Adults with this type of history often go to therapy with complex symptoms that go beyond existing criteria for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Every single day, innocent children are molested and abused by close members of their family. Often, this horrible crime will go unnoticed for years. People have said to me, “Why are you dragging this up now?” Why? It has controlled every facet of my life. It has damaged me in every possible way. It has destroyed everything in my life that has been of value. It has prevented me from living a stable emotional life. It’s prevented me from being able to love clearly. I haven’t been able to succeed in the world. My childhood would have been comfortable. I could be anything today. I know that everything I don’t deal with now is one more burden I have to face.
PTSD wants to keep you stuck in the past, frozen in place, frozen with fear. To heal yourself, you have to start moving forward, and that means you have to know where you’re going, or at least why you’re making this journey. You can only move forward if you believe that you really have somewhere to go that you want to be, and that the journey will be worth the effort. You can do it for yourself; you can do it to show those people who hurt you, or to help someone else.
Diane Waltman is a freelance writer. Diane Waltman started writing in October of 2007. In 2012, Diane decided to go professional and started writing her book, “The Little Girl Inside,” which takes a journey into the heart of a little girl who overcame the worst tragedy anyone can imagine.
Diane Waltman was sexually, mentally, emotionally and verbally abused by her grandfather as far back as she can remember. Most survivors have been taught to keep their abuse a secret. This silence has been in the best interest only of the abusers, not the survivors. Does it protect the children who still have contact with the abuser? Many survivors have a compelling desire to speak out. Yet whenever you consider breaking the code of silence, you are putting yourself in danger of feeling fear and confusion. In order to understand the strength of these feelings, you must remember that you are emerging from a context of severe cultural and personal repression. You are exercising your power, which you have every right to. There are three rules in a violent and abusive home: “Don’t tell,” “Don’t trust,” “Don’t feel.” To break any one of these rules means punishment, rejection and alienation.
Because of Diane’s dysfunctional childhood, she was at an 8th grade writing level. Diane was determined more than ever to write her book. On October 31, 2013, Diane’s book, “The Little Girl Inside,” was finally published. Diane also wrote an article for Blessed Magazine, October/November Issue 2015. Diane has published her Bio onhttp://www. godrevealed.com Diane is also planning to write a book called “LIVING WITH PTSD, (POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER).” Diane currently resides in Orting, WA, along with her husband and pet dog. Her dream is to live in Cannon Beach, OR. Visit her at: http://www.dianewaltman.com.